Wednesday, August 25, 2010

And That Is The End Of That

Last year I began what newspeak would describe as a journey.

This wasn't a journey related (completely) to what happened three Summers ago.  This wasn't a journey related (completely) to my father dying last Spring.

I began the process, and it is a process, of trying to get what is called an open market shared equity doo-dah from the government.  The process was long and hard and frustrating.  I watched as wonderful houses came and went while the organisation dithered and dallied.

Then, this year, success.  Not only success but a sign - two signs in fact - and all the pieces began to fall in to place.  The perfect house, the perfect price, everybody in agreement and all is merry and bright.

Until last week.  Last week when the bank (rhymes with...) decided that due to the detritus left on my credit report by my ex then the "criteria" had changed and they closed the door.  All this time, I have done my very best to repair the damage left when he decided to spend without paying back and when I was too ill to notice.  I have saved, I have paid all my bills, I have been a good girl.  But it is not enough.  It is never enough.

And now it ends.

That is that, there is nowhere to turn.  No one listens.  No one looks at the evidence there in my own bank accounts.  No one cares.

If there was a magic wand to wave I could skip the whole shared equity thing and suddenly there would be the £45,000 I need (and which ironically I can pay back but who cares right?)  Without a mortgage there is no shared equity, without either of those there is no house.

Once again I have let everyone down.  Those few years when I didn't pay attention, when I didn't look to see why he was so eager to take the bill paying duty from me - I will pay for them emotionally forever it would seem.  But what pains me the most, like a dagger through the ribs, is the disappointment I am to my boys.  Oh they don't say it, they say never mind mummy we'll be right.  But I've let them down, I have failed completely in one of the "criteria" of being a parent - a stable, secure, safe environment, basically a home of their own.

I wonder just how long this goes on.  While he swans about in BMWs, living in converted churches, not paying a single penny in maintenance.  The injustice of it all is choking.

So here I am.  Lost again.  Loser once more.  I keep telling myself that all is fine, we are still healthy, we still have this place but it doesn't work.  I can feel it twist and turn inside my stomach ready to burst free and let it be known that the truth matter what I do there is no hope.  Failure.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

It's like that...and that's the way it is

I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend but I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul
I have a secret to tell From my electrical well It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells So the room must listen to me Filibuster vigilantly My name is blue canary one note* spelled l-i-t-e My story's infinite Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn't rest
There's a picture opposite me Of my primitive ancestry Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free Though I respect that a lot I'd be fired if that were my job After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts Bluebird of friendliness Like guardian angels its always near