Last year I began what newspeak would describe as a journey.
This wasn't a journey related (completely) to what happened three Summers ago. This wasn't a journey related (completely) to my father dying last Spring.
I began the process, and it is a process, of trying to get what is called an open market shared equity doo-dah from the government. The process was long and hard and frustrating. I watched as wonderful houses came and went while the organisation dithered and dallied.
Then, this year, success. Not only success but a sign - two signs in fact - and all the pieces began to fall in to place. The perfect house, the perfect price, everybody in agreement and all is merry and bright.
Until last week. Last week when the bank (rhymes with...) decided that due to the detritus left on my credit report by my ex then the "criteria" had changed and they closed the door. All this time, I have done my very best to repair the damage left when he decided to spend without paying back and when I was too ill to notice. I have saved, I have paid all my bills, I have been a good girl. But it is not enough. It is never enough.
And now it ends.
That is that, there is nowhere to turn. No one listens. No one looks at the evidence there in my own bank accounts. No one cares.
If there was a magic wand to wave I could skip the whole shared equity thing and suddenly there would be the £45,000 I need (and which ironically I can pay back but who cares right?) Without a mortgage there is no shared equity, without either of those there is no house.
Once again I have let everyone down. Those few years when I didn't pay attention, when I didn't look to see why he was so eager to take the bill paying duty from me - I will pay for them emotionally forever it would seem. But what pains me the most, like a dagger through the ribs, is the disappointment I am to my boys. Oh they don't say it, they say never mind mummy we'll be right. But I've let them down, I have failed completely in one of the "criteria" of being a parent - a stable, secure, safe environment, basically a home of their own.
I wonder just how long this goes on. While he swans about in BMWs, living in converted churches, not paying a single penny in maintenance. The injustice of it all is choking.
So here I am. Lost again. Loser once more. I keep telling myself that all is fine, we are still healthy, we still have this place but it doesn't work. I can feel it twist and turn inside my stomach ready to burst free and let it be known that the truth is...no matter what I do there is no hope. Failure.