Saturday, February 12, 2011

Of Late It Has Been Pouring Down

If life is meant to test a person then I have truly been tested above and beyond what most would be able to cope with.

That sounds perhaps egotistic. To think I could deal with things that would fell others. I am not egotistic, in fact I am more probably the polar opposite. Instead I look back on events of the past three and a half years for evidence. I look back and wonder how long this path goes on for and at what point this will ease enough for me to be able to feel safe and secure.

I look at all the mistakes I made, all the problems people have given me on the understanding that I do this alone. The biggest mistake has been letting mother stay with us. She reverted so quickly back to the bitter, childish woman that plagued my childhood that it caught me completely by surprise.

Yet here we are, this life I have created we have to live with. This is a challenge my sons should not have to live with however I have no choice. Here is the point, I have no choice. If I could then I would ship her off to the old people's home she continually insinuates would be better than life with me. Having a maid obviously isn't enough.

Ever since Dad died I have single-handed all of the arrangement. The funeral, the selling of one house, the buying of another, all of life's little incidents that happen in between and on top of that I've raised my sons and worked my little job. Meanwhile not only did I lose a father but I really lost her at that point as well.

Now my position would easily be construed as cruel. Not knowing the history, not knowing her, they would look on this as the evil daughter not caring for her mother. In a way they would be true. I no longer care. She has done enough in the past, nearly two years, to ensure that if I had never to see her again I would not cry with the loss. There is only so much a person can take and seeing how she could suddenly change from the fa├žade she put up to all the old neighbours and friends where we used to live. See now she doesn't know people so there is no need to pretend. She can go back to how she really was.

Once she explained that her ice-cold method of mothering was down to suffering an extra long menopause. This menopause must have returned.

The truth I can see now, after all of the crap I've walked through, doesn't hurt. I have hardened somewhat. I am not the emotionally charged firebrand. The truth is that I was an inconvenience. Had I not existed her life would have been so much better but I got in the way. I was a daddy's girl and she managed to put a wedge in that. I can see what my dad went through and wonder how long he would have lived had he not had her in his life.

My Granny was right. She did not deserve such a gentle soul as a husband. She has too much of her family in her as it is almost a carbon copy of Gran, this person she is now. I listened to years of moaning about how she had to do this for Gran and had to do that and what a nightmare she was. I listened and now I'm seeing that for all that talk she is content to be just like her.

I wish for an easier life, in this little house of ours, I want to have peace.

No comments: