So it looks highly likely that at some point today I'll lose my mother.
And the worse thing is not that our difficult relationship is making it hard to mourn or that my illness is making it hard to cope. Instead a huge selfish bug has kicked in and all I can think of is that we're likely to lose our home.
Once again I fail as a mother. My boys are doing so well at the school yet I know that the mortgage company will laugh at the very thought of letting me pay off the remainder, which in the grand scheme of things isn't much (about £15k). Ex made sure my credit rating was ruined and there is not one thing I can do about it - and I've tried.
Does that seem callous? To be thinking of this as my mother lies dying? Possibly, as there will always be a solution. Part of me just wants to crumple to the ground, part of me wants to run into the street screaming at the top of my lungs. We are a small family and since my dad died it seems to have been a run of bad luck. I just want to catch a break, I want to be able to relax and mourn properly without life constantly kicking me further down.