Schadenfraude

When you discover the one thing you thought about yourself wasn't true and all along it was the other person. It is enough to make you want to run through the streets singing at the top of your voice.

By the by, how disappointing that the official video for this song is not on YouTube.

Just Surviving

I am still not out the other side yet, I've had to make some tough decisions this past couple of weeks thanks to things not really working out for me. Dark days make it harder to see the dawn, I'm not there yet.

Things I have learned:

• I am too soft. I happily support others yet when all I ask is for a little hello, a share, a like, I get nothing. 
• I hate being a "businesswoman" although I am back in the travel industry and now kick myself for ever having left I am not in a happy place. It is exhausting, and when you have no energy to start with exhausting is simply impossible.
• I am probably a very shit businesswoman. I just can't see how others are growing. I know the tricks, I've had the advice and been to the workshops. I've followed all the rules and yet, I post to the world and it is ignored. Normally, I would be happy with that - this blog is pretty much ignored - but not when it means I am failing at what I wanted to do.
• I have lost sight of who I am. I no longer paint, I no longer sew, I no longer write, I no longer go on days out with my sons, I no longer do anything that would constitute as "me time". Instead, I've fallen into this cycle of working endlessly for no return at all.
• The anti-depressants don't always keep the wolf from the door. I hate that analogy, wolves are wonderful creatures. I should maybe say werewolf as being part human would warp the most marvellous of creatures. I can't take a higher dose as it makes me even more tired as if that was possible. Well, it is.
• There are things that I am good at but unless people take note then it is not worth anything at all. I can't raise my sons on zero money.

When I was a teenager I loved watching old films and foreign films. I would wish to be as beautiful, articulate, to be as cool as the female protagonist. Not just to bewitch the handsome leading man but to also to feel happy in my own skin. 

This film, in fact, this one scene of the film, had me wear kilts, black jumpers and black tights for many years. Not to copy Anna Karina, there was no way I could be that beautiful, but because I loved to wear that uniform of mine. It made me happy, I felt comfortable and confident. I haven't felt that way in years. How do I get back to it? I am lost.

February Done

Already a sizable bite has been taken out of March and it's another busy month ahead. In the chaos I forgot to say goodbye to February so here we are -

Edith Holden

Rie Cramer

Alphonse Mucha - 1899

Dream Interpreters - Interpret This!

First a whinge. Bought a shiny, red apple coloured new car. Lovely. Went to pick it up, alas there is a problem with it. This doesn't bode well and I knew I shouldn't have gone to that dealership but as self-employed (credit cliff edge) I didn't have much choice. This is why people drink.

Anyway, onto the dream which, ten hours after waking up, I can still remember really well. It's too bizarre not to post for posterity.

I arrived at this ordinary terraced house (the kind you find in every Scottish town). I was to look after this huge 10-month-old baby. And I mean, this lad was the size of a three-year-old.

Turns out the family were throwing a birthday party for him (at 10-months-old) and I had to take him there. Off I went, had to take a tram, while carrying this baby who had a distinctly wet nappy and, oh, I had nothing to change him with. He was a perfectly nice baby, by the way, all smiley and cheery. 

The tram had the seating arrangement you'd usually find in a subway carriage and to get to the door you had to pass through one set of doors and stand on this open area which then would let you onto the platform.

The building this party was in was underground too (so maybe it wasn't a tram but I remember people using the word "tram" and talking about taking the tram, being on the tram etc. rather than underground or subway). We ended up in this purple corridor which led down to the rooms. It sounds sinister but didn't feel like that at all. I got to the door where the family and friends were and handed the baby over.

At this point, it turned out the family were Polish and I was wondering how they had heard about me (obviously, my job in this dream was giant baby transporter). I thought about Polish friends I have and if they were in the room, no idea why I didn't go in but I went to another room which was like a school gymnasium and there was some sort of performance going on.

A group of children (looked like about P6-7 so 10ish in age) were sitting in rows as though to get their class photograph taken. People standing in front of them had different coloured sheets which they then held up and you had to reach through them.

At that point, I woke up.

You can imagine my disappointment.

Analyse that!

This is the kind of car I should have been already driving but it'll now be next week...hopefully...
This is why it's taken my six years to change my car, it's a painful experience when you're self-employed!

I can feel a crash bubbling away in my forehead, I really cannot deal with another hard year. I do feel like I want to check out. A simple life with no stress would be bliss right now.

Normal Service Will Resume...You Know The Score

This last week has been an education in stress levels. In other words, if my hair wasn't dyed purple it would no doubt have gone completely grey. 

I'm behind on my art project, I can't afford those lovely, relaxing moments with my pad and paints. And it's very telling how much those stolen moments have meant to me. With that in mind...

I'm going to keep using these prompts. They are giving me the opportunity just to paint, not to have to think of subjects. Just paint.

This time I'm going to upload in batches, it seems to work best. And I might use pastels instead of watercolour or mixed media or possibly something else. I'll take these ideas and run with them.

Meanwhile, it's bad to the stress. I'm not quite out it yet...not quite. 

Another Little Bunch of Sketches - Day 17-20

It seems to be working, uploading a few at a time. So here we are again, let's go.

Day 17 - Shells

Oops, missed the plural, so just shell then. I have dozens of shells, collected from all over Scotland, whenever I visit a beach I look out for interesting shells and sea glass. It makes for a happy day. Simple things and all.

I had difficulty in trying to make the shadows not look as though the whelk shell was coloured. I don't know that it worked so well. Again, this is another subject I'd like to come back to in more depth. Yet painting everyday has been very cathartic, even though the results are sometimes iffy at best.

Day 18 - Plants

For weeks we had beautiful violet-coloured hyacinths filling the living room with their rich, heady smell (or as youngest son put it "Wow, they stink!") The flowers are gone and the leaves are now gathering sunlight for the bulb. Yes, my disastrous gardening efforts are about to attempt to regrow hyacinths rather than chuck the bulbs in the compost.

We'll see what happens when the leaves finish their job and begin to die. Until then they are still resplendent in green.

Day 19 - Eggs

Oh dear, it looked okay but the dim February light was kinder than the camera on my phone. It didn't work as well as I thought and I didn't realise that until uploading the photograph. 

Many years ago I visited Germany just before Easter and bought a set of plastic, decorative eggs. Hence the brown string. They now sit in a dish on the hearth. 

Let's call this one a fail.

Day 20 - Bugs

Okay, see what I did here? Ho ho, clever clogs me.

In light of last week, when this bottle saw me through the night without coughing up a lung, I thought it apt.

A bit wonky but lots of fun to do and that's the point.

Play Stopped By Cold

My darling youngest son kindly passed on his nasty cold to me so this week has mostly been spent with a cough that makes me sound like a barking seal and battling against a river of snot. 

Nice.

Again, updates are a few days at once. Some better than others, it's calming to paint when you know you should be working but can't because stringing more than a few words together is impossible. Under the influence of cough syrup you see.

Day Twelve - Puddles (and a new word that I sort of already knew)

If you can't read my scrawl it says "Hoppipolla (Icelandic) - Jumping into puddles"

I remembered the word from this by Sigur Ros -

Love the song and the video, why I didn't find out at the time the meaning of Hoppiloppa when, from the video, it's kind of made obvious. For what are puddles made for if not to jump in?

Day Thirteen - Rainbows

How tempting would it have been to draw a stupid looking bear or egg type creature? (Yeah, only me then.)

Painting an actual rainbow would have been interesting but would have reminded me too much of being back in primary school. Maybe throw a unicorn into the mix for luck. So I went with the idea of colours, colours in nature and, of course, that meant (to me) - 

Day Fourteen - Fire

One of my favourite places on this earth - Timanfaya means fire mountains. Apt.

Day Fifteen - Leaves

I haven't managed to kill this plant yet. 

Yet.

Day Sixteen - Rocks

I might come back to this one again but rocks to me mean the Scottish seaside - rocks and beaches in equal measures to be fair.

Went far too dark in the background hills, makes it look like another piece of clothing on the line.