Things I have learned:
- I am too soft. I happily support others yet when all I ask is for a little hello, a share, a like, I get nothing.
- I hate being a "businesswoman" although I am back in the travel industry and now kick myself for ever having left I am not in a happy place. It is exhausting, and when you have no energy to start with exhausting is simply impossible.
- I am probably a very shit businesswoman. I just can't see how others are growing. I know the tricks, I've had the advice and been to the workshops. I've followed all the rules and yet, I post to the world and it is ignored. Normally, I would be happy with that - this blog is pretty much ignored - but not when it means I am failing at what I wanted to do.
- I have lost sight of who I am. I no longer paint, I no longer sew, I no longer write, I no longer go on days out with my sons, I no longer do anything that would constitute as "me time". Instead, I've fallen into this cycle of working endlessly for no return at all.
- The anti-depressants don't always keep the wolf from the door. I hate that analogy, wolves are wonderful creatures. I should maybe say werewolf as being part human would warp the most marvellous of creatures. I can't take a higher dose as it makes me even more tired as if that was possible. Well, it is.
- There are things that I am good at but unless people take note then it is not worth anything at all. I can't raise my sons on zero money.
When I was a teenager I loved watching old films and foreign films. I would wish to be as beautiful, articulate, to be as cool as the female protagonist. Not just to bewitch the handsome leading man but to also to feel happy in my own skin.
This film, in fact, this one scene of the film, had me wear kilts, black jumpers and black tights for many years. Not to copy Anna Karina, there was no way I could be that beautiful, but because I loved to wear that uniform of mine. It made me happy, I felt comfortable and confident. I haven't felt that way in years. How do I get back to it? I am lost.