Just Surviving

I am still not out the other side yet, I've had to make some tough decisions this past couple of weeks thanks to things not really working out for me. Dark days make it harder to see the dawn, I'm not there yet.

Things I have learned:

• I am too soft. I happily support others yet when all I ask is for a little hello, a share, a like, I get nothing. 
• I hate being a "businesswoman" although I am back in the travel industry and now kick myself for ever having left I am not in a happy place. It is exhausting, and when you have no energy to start with exhausting is simply impossible.
• I am probably a very shit businesswoman. I just can't see how others are growing. I know the tricks, I've had the advice and been to the workshops. I've followed all the rules and yet, I post to the world and it is ignored. Normally, I would be happy with that - this blog is pretty much ignored - but not when it means I am failing at what I wanted to do.
• I have lost sight of who I am. I no longer paint, I no longer sew, I no longer write, I no longer go on days out with my sons, I no longer do anything that would constitute as "me time". Instead, I've fallen into this cycle of working endlessly for no return at all.
• The anti-depressants don't always keep the wolf from the door. I hate that analogy, wolves are wonderful creatures. I should maybe say werewolf as being part human would warp the most marvellous of creatures. I can't take a higher dose as it makes me even more tired as if that was possible. Well, it is.
• There are things that I am good at but unless people take note then it is not worth anything at all. I can't raise my sons on zero money.

When I was a teenager I loved watching old films and foreign films. I would wish to be as beautiful, articulate, to be as cool as the female protagonist. Not just to bewitch the handsome leading man but to also to feel happy in my own skin. 

This film, in fact, this one scene of the film, had me wear kilts, black jumpers and black tights for many years. Not to copy Anna Karina, there was no way I could be that beautiful, but because I loved to wear that uniform of mine. It made me happy, I felt comfortable and confident. I haven't felt that way in years. How do I get back to it? I am lost.

Still Raw

Time to lose myself in her books again.

It feels so unfair.

There is an imbalance now, with all these good, iconic, talented people dying before their time. Next year must step up to the mark. And I say that not glibly at all.

Drowned in Moonlight, Strangled By My Own Bra

This year has seen far too many good people die far too soon. Not only did one of my teenage crushes die at Christmas (George Michael) but another hero died today - Carrie Fisher.

I've probably said it before but it bears repeating today but for little me Princess Leia meant everything. Consider the world of the late 70s. Princesses were blonde, pretty, sweet, dainty and in need of rescue.

Along comes Princess Leia. Brave, fearless, rescuing her rescuers and handy with a blaster. Not only that but for once the princess had the same hair colour as me (okay, she was still pretty and there's not much I could do to achieve that but nevermind!) I was constantly hearing how I couldn't possibly be pretty or noticeable as, unlike my younger cousin, I wasn't blonde.

Yes, my mother's family had a lot to answer for my lifelong lack of confidence.

Add to this mix the fact that Carrie Fisher was a witty, underappreciated writer, candid in discussing her mental health and it all explains why I am genuinely sad that she has gone. She was only 60 for god's sake, and George Michael was 53. These are not people whose time had come.

Princess Leia became General Organa in the new film, please let young girls see her as a role model rather than some of the vapid, dead-eyed "celeb". Be tenacious and know everything is possible. 

And now there will be no more Leia.

This year has been terribly depressing and for someone with depression anyway it has meant a change in medication! Not quite working as life has been so bad and we've still got Brexit and President Trump to look forward to.

Has this year been an icon rapture?

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. " 

— Carrie Fisher

Because The Best Christmas Film Isn't Die Hard Or It's a Wonderful Life

Fra-Gee-Lee. Must be from Italy.

Taking A Breather

I'm a little tired of the whole social media rigmarole of late - I love the fast information exchange but humanity and lack of it keeps getting in the way.

So last night I decided to dig out some old DVDs and have a movie night while my sons remain locked in video game purgatory.

I chose -

Quickly followed by -

God but I forgot how good they were. It's probably considered poncy to love world cinema but this is how I feel about that -

And that's all there is to say about it except to wonder what I'll watch tonight? Three Colours Blue? Red? Amelie? Or go for the Russian vampire films?