Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Falling Apart At The Seams

What more can I do?  I've tried everything, tried to do everything I possibly can to make the situation right.  But now, I just don't know what to do.

I make plans, you can be assured that they won't come to fruition. Every single detailed that is mapped and organised and all by one person - me.  Yet it is all falling apart.  Should I take this as a sign of incompetence, that I just am not up to the job?

In a perfect world I could be in a home I loved with my boys, looking after my boys and writing nonsense until something worked out.  No mistake, I enjoy my work, I like being there and having adult conversations that do not solely involve the subject of children and matters of.  My heart though, constantly tugs me back.  But home is not a place of comfort now.  Memories of what my childhood was like, when my dad wasn't around to keep my mother in check.

I've let them down.  I had thought it was me.  I had hoped that she would understand that to live together we would need to work together to make it all cohesive.  Things have returned to the way it was when I was young. The constant grumpy mood swings, the shouting and smacking rather than reasoning and discipline.  It wasn't how I had hoped things would go but there we have it.

It feels lonely like this, with no one to share my burden or, as I would prefer, to take my mind off it completely.  Incredibly lonely.

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