What more can I do? I've tried everything, tried to do everything I possibly can to make the situation right. But now, I just don't know what to do.
I make plans, you can be assured that they won't come to fruition. Every single detailed that is mapped and organised and all by one person - me. Yet it is all falling apart. Should I take this as a sign of incompetence, that I just am not up to the job?
In a perfect world I could be in a home I loved with my boys, looking after my boys and writing nonsense until something worked out. No mistake, I enjoy my work, I like being there and having adult conversations that do not solely involve the subject of children and matters of. My heart though, constantly tugs me back. But home is not a place of comfort now. Memories of what my childhood was like, when my dad wasn't around to keep my mother in check.
I've let them down. I had thought it was me. I had hoped that she would understand that to live together we would need to work together to make it all cohesive. Things have returned to the way it was when I was young. The constant grumpy mood swings, the shouting and smacking rather than reasoning and discipline. It wasn't how I had hoped things would go but there we have it.
It feels lonely like this, with no one to share my burden or, as I would prefer, to take my mind off it completely. Incredibly lonely.