Saturday, May 08, 2010

Heart Skipping

Is it wrong to want to embrace totally the traditional female role?  You know, the one we are supposed to despise and resent.  Home-maker, stay-at-home-mother, the little hausfrau.

Because if there is one time in my life when I was truly happy and content it was when I was in that situation.  Oh, fair enough it all ended badly with Evil X turning out like he did.  But back then, when I was blissfully ignorant of anything being too far wrong I loved my simple life.

It would be even better if I could do it again.

There was nothing more heart warming than baking on a Sunday, painting or making plasticine models with the boys, those family days out.  Yes, simple, yes it was ultimately all fake but had it been real, had it continued I'd have been more satisfied than a cat with all the cream it can handle.

Where is this going?  I don't know.  I do all those things and more now but it is all fraught - everything has changed.  Having the time to do things right, that slightly OCD happiness of a fresh pile of laundry neatly folded to put away.  It is all much more complicated now.  I run here and and fro...nothing is quite finished...nothing is completed to satisfaction...I have no time to settle back and enjoy what I have done.

Maybe I'm going slightly mad - I'm £40k away from what I wish for, a home to finally bring everything together in.

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