Friday, May 27, 2011

A Little Bit Blue

I had come back to this with wonderful intentions that this time I would be an attentive blogger.  I may be writing this as a vanity project, because the readership is me, the dog and occasionally old cat who stares over my shoulder with a knowing look - there, there dear, no one is listening.

Over the last couple of weeks it hasn't just been the skies outside covered in clouds.  I can feel it pressing down on me.  It has mostly been work related, disappointment in the behaviour of others, a general feeling of helplessness and/or apathy.  After going down a line where I thought I was doing well and had at least some form of disciplined control over one part of my life I find it to be a mirage.

At home I find things just going wrong continually.  The boys, as always, are stoic and a credit to their own selves while their mother goes through this.  My mother, well, if I had a choice I would let her go to a home.  The whole arrangement has been disastrous.

She has gone from someone who was a functioning, if older, human being to this thing who resembles my own Gran.  That is not a good thing.  I know many would say, ah but this is dementia etc. etc.  Yes, that could be an excuse if I hadn't seen this before and if I hadn't known what she was like when I was growing up.  She has returned to that cold, distant person who made it clear, and does so now, that she wishes I had never existed.

So excuse the blue.  I think I am more than entitled as another feature adding to the colour is the fact that no one else cares so a little self pity can be allowed.

An only child learns to enjoy their own company but sometimes...sometimes I wish I had a selling point that would make me worth someone else's time.

I often find myself contemplating orbs when sad.

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