Over the last couple of weeks it hasn't just been the skies outside covered in clouds. I can feel it pressing down on me. It has mostly been work related, disappointment in the behaviour of others, a general feeling of helplessness and/or apathy. After going down a line where I thought I was doing well and had at least some form of disciplined control over one part of my life I find it to be a mirage.
At home I find things just going wrong continually. The boys, as always, are stoic and a credit to their own selves while their mother goes through this. My mother, well, if I had a choice I would let her go to a home. The whole arrangement has been disastrous.
She has gone from someone who was a functioning, if older, human being to this thing who resembles my own Gran. That is not a good thing. I know many would say, ah but this is dementia etc. etc. Yes, that could be an excuse if I hadn't seen this before and if I hadn't known what she was like when I was growing up. She has returned to that cold, distant person who made it clear, and does so now, that she wishes I had never existed.
So excuse the blue. I think I am more than entitled as another feature adding to the colour is the fact that no one else cares so a little self pity can be allowed.
An only child learns to enjoy their own company but sometimes...sometimes I wish I had a selling point that would make me worth someone else's time.
I often find myself contemplating orbs when sad.