Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I Just Don't Know How To Do It

With a great sense of determination I desperately want to change things and not just as the New Year approaches, the time when good intentions lead to wishful thinking.

Today Evil X was back on the scene having suddenly remembered about his eldest two children as per the post before last he decided he wanted to see them before their birthday.  I agree, as I do where they are concerned, as despite the fact that four and a half years of simmering has led to pure despising of everything he is there is some part of me that still feels my boys need to see him.  If only to re-establish what he is like, it is important that they have their own thoughts on feelings about their absent parent.

I have a suspicion that Madam is pregnant again, only a year after sprouting out the last one - and he confirms she was, but suffered a miscarriage.  I don't believe this as so many lies have passed his lips it is hard to tell what the truth is as I am sure not only would I not recognise it coming from him but it would be a foreign concept for him to try and not spin a fib of some sort.

Here is the problem.  It has been four and a half years and I still stew in my own anger.  I should be, as once I was, at the stage where I don't care.  Fair enough they really do deserve some kind of comeuppance but why do I feel like that?  In the past, pre-Evil X, I was of the opinion that if someone wanted to do me harm or someone wanted to be excessively cruel to me then begone with them.  

Okay perhaps I was a little overzealous in some cases as I was exceptionally bad at keeping in touch, being of the idea that if I were important to them then "they'd" keep in touch.  Nah, doesn't really work like that so oopsie!

But I managed to cut away a whole side of my family, my mother's side, the poisonous ones with their silly gossip and nasty attitude.  I was able to do that with little or no conflict (this is making it sound like I blame others but I have little time for people who lie and that is the very core of it all.)  Plus as I was never a big drinker (and don't partake at all now really - last time was a mojito on holiday in October which was yuck and before that a beer at the Christmas party last year which was also yuck) I did not fit in with the little clique they had going.  Once the Aunt we were close to had died, followed a couple of years later by Gran then there was no reason to keep in touch.  Especially when they accused my mother of theft...astonishingly horrific so goodbye and good riddance to that nest of vipers.

Crikey but I'm waffling on something chronic these days aren't I?

Anyway, I don't get why I am still angry at him.  I have my boys and yes I would have liked another baby but not by him.  What I wanted in my other half he didn't fulfil, not in any shape or form.  I couldn't live with someone so neurotic and nit-picky and someone who had lied about...well...every last thing.  I wasn't what he needed either, especially as I enjoyed family life and he didn't want to work.

So I'm rid of that, so why do I get like this?  Apart from the obvious problems tied out last time  I like it being me and the boys.  Yes, to have someone to share my life with, to share our little thing with would be utterly lovely but we can exist without.  And as I have nothing to give someone other than me (and I'm not pretty, rich, MILF material I have no selling points at all really) I have accepted that this is it.

How do I get back to the girl who banished people from her life once they'd crossed her?  It was much healthier, much happier.  I need it.  I need to get back there and until I do, until I no longer think of him and her without grimacing, then I won't heal inside.

Surely there will be a book with an answer or do I whisper a wish on Hogmanay and hope for the best?

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