It's A Pretty Messed Up Situation

I don't want to fill this place with the frustrations of politics so while I exasperate in real life, over the EVEL vote that has seen Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland MPs become second class in our supposedly united parliament, online I hide in Pinterest.

Thank the gods for pretty things to distract but I bloody love Pinterest.  As a visual person it just makes my dreary life that little bit brighter. It sounds as though I am overstating it but on dark days, an hour spent dithering around looking at things I would love to wear, places I'd love to go, art I love, projects I want to do, can extinguish a dark or sad mood. It's like flicking through the pages of a magazine but much, much, much better.

I'll be on there quite a lot considering that, since the General Election in May, it has been a relentless wave of sewage coming from Westminster and the stink is getting unbearable.

Time for some avoidance techniques as there is nothing that can be done and I haven't the strength or the income to emigrate.

Flick, flick, flick...and breathe...

The Perfect Level Of Spook

Not for me are the slasher horror films, stunningly predictable as the protagonists all go off alone to look for the source of the creepy noise.  In the dark.

Scary, I don't think so.

Instead I love this time of year when I'm introduced to spooky joys that sneak into the psyche and linger, playing malevolently with my mind.  Throughout my childhood I was terrified by Rabbie Burn's Tam O'Shanter as discussed previously.  You can listen to Brian Cox read it here, I won't be (fearty!)

Some may find this to be pretty mediocre in terms of shock horror value but it makes me wickedly gleeful.

And then there is also this.  I love being pointed in the direction of such gems at this time of the year.

Roll on the end of the month 'Weel done, Cutty Sark!'

The very scene that would have a young TIBS quavering.

(On a side note - some of my favourite lines of poetry are in there too

Gathering her brows like gathering storm,

Nursing her wrath to keep it warm.

And there you go.)

Acknowledgement

And sometimes you just have to let the ME win, even before the day has started.

Well played stupid illness, well played.

Running, Standing Still

That pretty much sums up my relationship with technology.  Just as I think I've caught up, that I am semi-competent I suddenly find out things have moved on several paces and I'm back to knowing nothing at all.

It's exhausting and my tired old brain is addled trying to stay on top of it all.

I've thought on making a website, using one of those free sites of course (free being in my budget at the moment).  It all looked fairly simply but after about five minutes I gave up.  I knew where I wanted to go but damn it if I could actually get there!

One point of satisfaction tonight came as I discovered the uses of the block button on certain social media.  There is someone who has caused a lot of grief amongst members of an organisation I am involved in.  While I am luckily not tied into their disagreement the sheer brass-neck of the person had annoyed me.  I can't help it.  This whole sense of injustice, over people standing up and taking ownership of their actions, whether they be dick actions or not, drives me to distraction.

I was once again in danger of blundering in, of having everyone side with this person against the bad person picking on her.  And she is the type to greatly enjoy that, indeed it is part of this whole grief manifesto she has going.

Block, block, blockity, block.

And now she is no more!

I can merrily go about my business without that thorn digging in every time I see another "look at me, I'm this organisations best thing ever" post.

Yippee!

I need to do this more often.  I get bogged down with people like that.  Now technology has offered me a way out, probably could have done with finding it out earlier but never mind.  I'm there and no doubt come tomorrow there will be another thousand things I could also do that I will find out about...someday...

Home or Away?

I have an addiction to programmes featuring people wanting to buy houses in Spain or France.  In fact it is becoming a source of amusement as I have a rant button that is pushed any time I hear the phrase "expat community" or "don't need to learn the language" or, one recent statement "I prefer egg and chips to Spanish food"! 'Sake!

Cue gasp of frustration and quick tweet of annoyance.  I can't help it.  My tolerance levels have completely bottomed out and in a way I'm jealous that these people are getting the opportunity to move abroad.  Although some of these retired expat stuffed estates would be a fate worse than death.

If I were in this situation when the boys were still in primary school, both parents gone, nothing and no one keeping me here, we'd already have made for somewhere else.  Am I using their proximity to important exams as an excuse - maybe?

It is scary, it is daunting, the fact there is only me now.  I have no one to discuss these matters with, no one to advise or help plan.  So it's all on my shoulders.  I just know the few times I have gone somewhere warm my ME/CFS hasn't been as nasty to me, or perhaps that is because I'm relaxed anyway.

Once the exams are done the mortgage will also have been paid.  Could I leave, the desire is strong.  After the referendum last year I gave up on seeing a progressive Scotland, one I'd be happy and proud of.  Instead it's wallowing in the misery brought by a selfish government we once again did not vote for but that is what people bizarrely chose.  I don't feel any wish to stay here for the rest of my life now. I love Lanzarote but could I live there permanently amongst the volcanoes, embarrassing the memory of Cesar Manrique with my dabblings?  I don't have the money to travel as extensively as I'd like, to see as many places as I could with the boys, so researching places is limited.

I watch these tv shows; I sigh at the lovely homes, cringe at the "made for expat" ones and the whole idea of owning a property rather than a home.  I dream of moving, learning to speak the language properly, perhaps for once fitting in somewhere.  I wonder if I will ever be brave enough.

Hands Off!

On a rather balmy October afternoon I joined a couple of thousand people on the Forth Road Bridge in protest against proposed fracking and UGE/UCG.

It felt good to be part of something, to fight against the profit hungry companies who pressure governments by dangling a few jobs and hang the environmental consequences.  While the companies mumble about "test" drilling, basically a foot in the door, the proof is in already fracked places - communities suffering in Australia and the US. So off I trotted, to hold hands with strangers, as we attempted to send a message.

On a day like today it was good to remind myself what it is we stand to lose.

They're building a new bridge across the Forth, the water is already polluted from nuclear submarines the UK government are allowing to rot in dock and various horrible things dumped by previous governments. What is left to protect, must be protected, cleaned and preserved or there will be nothing in future.

Pow! It's The Finish Line!

Your highs and lows for the month:

Well I could start with a low that I have a croaky throat and cough that could bring up a lung. I've been getting heavy hints all day to step in and take over a situation when all I want is a rest.  That is not what this challenge prompt means though, I don't think so at least.  The cough medicine I'm taking has one hell of a kick so I'm probably at the point where I don't really care!

So, start with the Eeyore moments -

The lows were the amount of times I felt I was looking back at things I cannot change.  It almost felt like a pity party.  There is no way to change the past and I have a bad habit sometimes of dwelling there and becoming all morose by over thinking all those mistakes and missed opportunities.

Perhaps it's a good thing to get it all out, to stop constant "whatiffery". A good bellyache and done.  Eh, yeah, we'll go with that.

As for the highs, well having written more through this than I have for a while it's beginning good habits I won't allow to lapse.  I've written other pieces, not online, which may lead somewhere or just serve as sketching for the bigger picture.

It's also made me think, reassess, look at where I am.  For the past few years it's been all about the ME/CFS, the coping, the understanding, the frustrations.  There isn't much I can do about it but I can't let it win, even the days where getting out of bed feels monumental I can't.

And now I'm waffling.

That's never going to stop.  The waffling.

But I feel like this...

...even if I couldn't possibly hold that pose for long!

Limping To The Finish Line - It's Day 29

What are your goals for the next 30 days -

This would be a "what lessons have we learned" post again but to be honest the last week hasn't been a great example of the fact that I want to continue regularly writing on here for the next 30 days and beyond.

I fell almost at the finish line, picked myself up... and I'm going to stop that analogy right there.

I do wish to start writing again, even if it is only for my own eyes.  I can entertain myself, might as well!  It's going to be a busy month, no break this year, so it will be interesting to see what state I am in 30 days from now, especially as the rushing around of the last week has brought out a sore throat and back ache, my ME/CFS alarm bells are ringing.

There are other '30 Days' prompts I might use, by the time I get around to thinking of what to post my brain has usually switched off so it's good to have a sort of cheat sheet.  If it starts good habits then it will be worth it.

I have this picture on my vision board (yes I have one, judge if you will).  It's where I would like to be, writing, sketching, watching the world go by from some little cafe.

Oops, Day 28 A Little Late

That commitment I made, which I've written about previously, kind of got in the way of the commitment I made to do this and not fall by the wayside.

As excuses go I'll stick with it. Did you miss me? No, didn't think so.

Post five things that make you laugh out loud:

With the power of YouTube...

I am never not going to find that funny. Some pranks are cruel, some go too far but this is genuis!

I do believe if he could talk, my eldest cat would have a similarly laconic drawl apart from the American accent that is.

I can't believe this must be about 20 years old, it's just as funny no matter how many times an episode is viewed.  I downloaded a box set of episodes and introduced my sons to the joy of Father Ted, each generation a new fan base is created.  I believe this is called 'timeless'.

Similarly, I just think The IT Crowd had spectacularly funny moments and seeing my sons get the humour renews my enjoyment in them. Peter File...fnar!

Finally, on my theme of things I've rediscovered on viewing it with my sons...Airplane!  Completely forgot how many daft little jokes there were in it - some very close to the bone, I doubt they'd be permitted now.  There's a scene, with people on the luggage carousel, that had my eldest boy laugh so hard he nearly injured himself.

On The Final Run - Day Twenty-Seven

A little more optimistic this one...

Conversely, write about something that's kicking ass right now -

Ooh, despite my usual Eeyore exterior I do have some points in life I'm happy with.

One involves such adult concepts as marketing plans, business plans and networking.  The result of which will hopefully mean we can afford holidays again!  Yes, it does boil down to that basic desire because it means I'm doing well if I can have a break away from it all!

The other ties in with everything I experienced last year and a move towards allying myself with a political party, becoming an activist, organiser and general do-er rather than just letting things pass by.  It's all that 'stand for something...'

I've always been opinionated, might as well do something about it at last.

This last thing is why I've been so tired of late, there's a local by-election, we have a candidate and no clue as to what we're really doing. Cue lots of running around. It has been hard work, my ME/CFS monster is wondering what the f**k I think I'm doing but it's all part of the learning curve.

The guy who is likely to win is one of those politician types; all smarmy arrogance and disregarding anyone not important enough.  That would make every single councillor we have in the area a white, elderly male - they'd make a great identity parade in a police line-up but it's rubbish for diversity.

Day 26 - Let's Share With The Group Again

As though we haven't done enough of that, here, I'll open up another vein of private information.  If nothing else this will be somewhat entertaining to look back on, pity I don't drink any more as it'd probably be funny from under a fuzzy haze.

Write about an area in your life you'd like to improve -

Ooft, again, just the one?

Okay, there are more important ones, some which I obviously can't do anything about but would otherwise be top of the list.  In that light then there is an area that would give me a deep sense of happiness were I to have some level of competence.

Indeed, this is something that I am working towards although I don't get enough time to truly dedicate to my practice.

My art, or scribblings as would be more apt.  As yet I haven't developed a style of my own, I have a tendency to be a little too illustrative where I'd like to be more abstract.  I don't want to show, I want to hint at and have the eye do the remaining work.

Recently I've tried a couple of exercises to help my lack of tone - two medium, two colours, two hours.  I only ever really do sketches rather than work at a piece until I'm happy.  I actually quite like what I've produced recently.

This post needs examples, it's late, I'm tired, so will add them tomorrow morning.

Day 25 - And It's Google's Birthday Anyway...

...according to their daily illustration.  So apt that they play a part in this.

Think of any word. Search for it on Google images. Write something inspired by the 11th image.

First word that popped into my head was 'friend'. Which is quite lame really but I'm watching TV just now so I've probably heard it a minute beforehand.  As I'm watching Zoo it's not as weird as this could have been.

As someone whose highlight of the year is a holiday somewhere sunny then this kind of image immediately warms me inside.  It doesn't make me think of friendship but of the sun on my face, the breeze from the ocean and that general atmosphere of calm relaxation.

I can conjure up that feeling now and, especially as there will sadly be no break for us this year, it is delicious.

There's a little beach near where we've gone on holiday the past few years, strangely we've never gone during the day but in the evening as we walk down to the town centre.  As the sun sets we take in the colours in the sky as they dip into the ocean, the water is still warm from the day and without the crowds of determined sun worshippers it is perfect.

Every now and then there are older, Spanish people swimming or fishing in the quiet twilight. It is usually after dinner for us and before dinner for the locals, we nod greetings, smile and continue on our way.

The Google image doesn't make me think of friends - it makes me think of family, my family, and the memories we will carry with us forever.

Day 24 - More Lessons To Be Learned

Write about a lesson you've learned the hard way -

Again, so many to choose from: not relying on people, or trusting them, or believing what they say, or that they care about me but enough about my failed marriage. Aha!

Here's a lesson; don't expect things to happen by chance or because you think they should.

I was brought up to trust that life would work out. You grew up, got a job, got married, had a family, home, a quiet contented existence.  That sounds so boring yet so comforting and at the moment that's the mood I'm in.  Needing comfort. It wasn't an entrenched middle-class sense of entitlement although it might be sounding very like just that, I could think of nothing worse than being thought of in that demographic; we're not talking house prices and having a better car than the neighbours. Rather this is the plain blueprint my parents set out for me but then hid the plans so I had no idea how to achieve any of it and lacked the confidence to reach out for it.

So naturally I screwed the whole thing up.

Learning a lesson the hard way kind of ties in with everything I hope my sons have learned from me (Day 21).  I hope they go for what they want rather than wait for permission because even now, on my own, it's as though I can't go ahead without that parental say so.

And that's f**ked up.

On a brighter note, a colleague is in the US just now for her friend's wedding.  She's visiting the same area I lived in and it brought back some lovely memories.  See, I've not been a complete loss but I wish I could have stayed there longer!  I'd love to go back, visit old haunts and show my sons around, alas the familiar tale that has held me back so often - lack of funds.  One day maybe, before the boys have flown the nest, time is running out.

I Wrote A Letter To Day Twenty-three

...and on the way I dropped it.

Write a letter to someone, anyone -

I used to write letters, back in the days where penpals were the only contact with the rest of the world. To me it is a deeply personal thing.

I'm not saying that as a cop out or because I'm deadly tired. 

The letter is written in my atrocious handwriting, what needed to be said has been. It can never be sent, it will never be read but as a writing exercise is was cathartic.

Perhaps I will destroy the letter or hide it away in a drawer where I'll find it some day and unlock those emotions again with each word.  In the age of over sharing allow me this indulgence. Although this blog is possibly for my eyes only so the contents would be perfectly safe, a letter is best written by hand.

Day 22 - A Musical Interlude

I'm at the point of feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment so tried my best to avoid the internet yesterday - to no avail.  Productivity is quite low too, waiting to hear back from someone and it feels eternal.

Considering how diverse my music collection is, this one should be interesting...

Put your music on shuffle and post the first ten songs -

Seal - Kiss from a Rose

Shy FX - Shake Your Body

Jona Lewie - Stop the Cavalry

Sugababes - Stronger

Garbage - My Lover's Box

Handel - Xerxes (Serse) Ombra Mai Fu

The Beautiful South - Pretenders to the Throne

The Big Dish - Miss America

The Smiths - Shakespeare's Sister

The Piano (soundtrack) - The Embrace

Twenty-One To Day

See what I did there.  Boop.

This is a good one.

What three lessons do you want your children to learn from you?

Oh so many things but I do realise they have to make their own mistakes and not listen to my advice all the time.  It's how things work but I know there are (at least) three lessons they have appreciated.

If you have to judge a person do so on their character; not their background.  I guess this brings in everything from race to religion.  I did mistakenly introduce a touch of naivety in my sons with this lesson as they were once extremely puzzled why girl classmates shouldn't be able to do all things as they haven't ever gotten that "girls pink, boys blue" memo.  Well, their mum doesn't live by those rules.

You are masters of your own universe.  Yes there are many things in this world that could stop you doing what you want to but you have to take all the opportunities you can.  It might not quite lead where you want it to but make the best of it and things will work out just fine.  It's something I wish I had been told and yes, had I been things would have worked out more than just fine!

Travel, see as much as you can of this world.  I hopefully have given them a good start but I'd love them to travel, have adventures, experience this world and appreciate all it has to offer.  If Eldest does become the pilot he wishes to be then this should be fairly easy!

All in all I just want them to be happy in what they do, confident in who they are and content with the life they lead.  Maybe that should be three lessons in itself.

It's A Silly Day Twenty

Because it's

Post about three celebrity crushes

And that's not as interesting as it would have been to discuss three weird crushes.

Having made the admission yesterday I do happily agree that celebrity crushes are easy to fall into, or at least crushes on the characters celebrities play.  Musicians, not really my thing although bizarrely I used to think what it would be like to be friends with some and I have actually kissed a fairly well known musician.

Celebrities who are celebrities and that's all...there's nothing to crush on, a shallow desire sure but no crush.  Maybe that's against the rules then, to crush on a character rather than a celeb but there you go. I am nothing if not swimming against the tide.  I'll chose folk I think are as close to celebrity as I think I'm going to get.

So, now to think...

Do I have to justify my reasons? Uft!

 Chris O'Dowd
Steve Carell - especially his voice
 John Cusack - because I grew up in the 80s and...of course.

Day Nineteen - Let's Be Brief

Discuss Your First Love -

I could choose all sorts of things, all sorts of people to express love for but I realised a few years ago what a fickle emotion it is.  The love I have for my sons, the love I had for my parents (difficult at times), the love I have for silly day to day things but when people say love they mean finding a soulmate. I thought I was but as it was based on a lie then it really wasn't so therefore...

That Scottish 80s band Wet, Wet, Wet said it best when they sang:

Been all around the edges but I've never been in love

Day 18 - Oh Look, A List!

Post 30 Facts About Yourself

1. I like being born in December
2. Love being a mum to twins, I'd have been very happy to have triplets too
3. My bucket list is full of strange things
4. I wish I could recapture the feeling of Christmas when I was young
5. The smell of a sunny day in late autumn is the best thing
6. I really don't like seeing other people's feet
7. If I could afford to I'd go on holiday every chance I could
8. The company of animals is my preferred choice these days
9. I'm very opinionated
10. And stubborn
11. I like to perform random acts of kindness for no reason at all (hence the name random)
12. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to live in another country, be from another country
13. I have never been loved by a man (I wasn't related to that is, I mean lusty love not family!)
14. I am rubbish at starting and maintaining a conversation nine times out of ten
15. I don't own a Kindle (other electronic books are available for rejection) nor do I intend to
16. I'd like to be a published author one day
17. I'd like to sell some of my artwork too for that matter
18. People don't get me
19. Being a stay-at-home mum was (despite rubbish marriage) the best job I've done
20. I'd like to be content
21. I really don't like driving but I have to, if I could I'd bike and take the train everywhere
22. Sometimes I like to stop and just take it all in
23. I want to be better at speaking other languages
24. I once thought of becoming a photographer
25. My dad's family reportedly descend from Huguenot stock
26. I own many books, don't ask me to give any of them up
27. I like being European but have never thought of myself as British, am a republican too
28. I hate it when people sing to each other, even worse if they sing at me *cringe*
29. I can bend my fingers right back
30. I'm quite a good painter and decorator but I can't wallpaper to save myself!

I'm fairly boring so as actual facts would have run out after about number ten then I've padded the list with various nonsense.

It's Written In The Stars - Day Seventeen

(I make no apology for that heading.)

Post about your zodiac sign, and whether or not it fits you.

Look I'm a fire sign!

I know some people are horrified at the thought of astrology but really, I look on it with some humour and fun.  If the moon can control the waves perhaps the planets control our moods, who knows, certainly not me.  Horoscopes are a load of bunk though.

I'm a Sagittarian.  More fittingly I was born in the Chinese astrological Year of the Pig, that probably says more about me.

I do like being the sign of the archer (design wise at least) but we're meant to be sporty, the life and soul of the party and I'm anything but that.  It makes for nice jewellery though and there is something of human comfort in having a set jewel, colour, planet and all that kind of thing.

We are meant to love travel and I most certainly do, if money were no object I would be off several times a year (ignoring any physical restraints because lack of money is there to hold me back anyway!)

My ex was a Virgo, we're meant to be incompatible signs, well, should have taken that as a warning then.